Friday, April 22, 2011

Talk is cheap, and can make you look crazy

From an early age we are destined to speak - with the exception of a very small percentage of the population with medical conditions, disabilities, or are (or aspire to be) mimes or magician's assistants. Regardless, it's in our blood and we are all born with this overwhelming desire, this need, to communicate verbally (whether it's warranted or not and whether wants or has asked us to).

I happen to suffer from a common speech impediment that occasionally leaves those nearby with the impression that I might be suffering from some form of stroke. Other times it takes on Tourette-like symptoms, where stuttering and spitting and random swearing occur. Often, this condition affects some of my basic motor skills and you will find me waving my arms wildly and shaking my head, as if I have just been attacked by an invisible swarm of bees. My wife can do nothing but sit there and shake her head in disbelief. She doesn't understand, but it's not her fault. Contrary to the Fresh Prince it's not parents that don't understand. It's women. Not all of them, of course. I have seen many a woman afflicted with this disorder, but they are certainly in the minority.

The condition doesn't have a scientific name that I am aware of but if you look up on Google what it's called when people yell for no reason, wave their arms when talking, and then combine that with Tourette's and then put that person in front of the television that's what this is. Yellawaveatourettatvitis.

That's right. I talk like a crazy person to the television. I kept an informal record of this for a while and it appears that I do this for just about every type of show, but there are those that make it worse, and some that make it impossible to be in the same room as me unless you are so similarly afflicted.

In order with the things that make it worse at the top:

  1. Sports
    1. Anything during the Olympics
    2. Hockey
    3. Golf
    4. Baseball
    5. Auto Racing
    6. Lacrosse
    7. Basketball
    8. North American Football
    9. Soccer
    10. All other sports, including bowling and stuff they show on sports channels like poker
  2. News
    1. FOX
    2. CNN
    3. Everyone else
  3. Politics
    1. Debates
    2. Election day coverage
    3. Parliamentary channel
  4. Reality Shows
  5. Anything on Discovery Channel
  6. Anything on TLC
So, with an election on the horizon, the NHL playoffs on, golf in full swing, the NBA playoffs, baseball season starting, a new season of Survivor, and the ongoing existence of news channels from the U.S. it's safe to say that much of my time is being spent alone in the basement launching expletives and giving the finger to my HDTV (and loving every damn minute of it).

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